Reflect; forward and back.....

Apologies in advance. This might be quite a ramble, but I had the urge to do a bit of reflecting, both on the last year and also what is to come.

There's still a lot of stuff that I can't put into print just yet, but looking back on 2010 and what a year that was. Completed my second year of Theological studies at STETS and started my third and final one. I reckon that there were 7 residential weekends and an Easter School in that time. It was a time of maturing for me in many ways, clarifying where I think God is taking me and also feeling more comfortable (if that's the right word) that this calling is for real. I got a decent Interim Report - and it didn't contain a 'but'.

There were tears along the way (and they probably won't stop). My emotions became more 'out there'. It's not that I wasn't ever an emotional person, but I became more comfortable in expressing them; both in tears and laughter. In addition to all of this there was the cementing and grounding of some wonderful friendships within STETS that I am sure will stay in place and develop over the next months, years and decades and between us will be a support network that I am sure we will all need in the times to come.

My horizons continue to be broadened in terms of my experiences with Church. Over the course of 2010 I experienced the familiar in Anglo-Catholic worship, but also a very good share of Evangelical worship and felt that I connected with God across the spectrum of worship that I experienced. I don't want to be confined to any boxes either in my future ministry but in general. What's important to me is ensuring and enabling us all to be able to connect with God. I struggle with those who refuse point blank to even contemplate experiencing differing styles or traditions of worship.

Over the course of the year I have gradually acquired various items of clerical wear and even tried on and ordered my clerical shirts (black, of course). And I have my mother and mother-in-law supplying stoles. My Mother-in-Law lovingly made and gave to me for Christmas what will be my ordination stole. It's a work of art and of love. Quite something. I don't think the pictures necessarily do it justice....but here's a flavour.

The end of the year was spent with college friend, Angi and her family. Aside from the wonderful company of Angi, Tim and children, we were able to look forward with a bit of fear and trepidation, but also excitement to 2011 as the clock struck midnight. With the knowledge that we will be being ordained in Winchester Cathedral on July 3rd at 10am. With our families and friends around us as we take the next step..............

Ordination is really THIS YEAR. I am scared. I'm in the throes of ensuring that my Training Minister and Tutor get their (final) report on me done for STETS (I get very twitchy at report time due to past experiences). I'm also back at work and have had a tricky week emotionally. Having signed up to the 365Project where I endeavour to post a picture every day, Wednesday's picture summed up my emotions at the time. Feeling as if I was struggling to get through to God. In my heart I know he's there listening; I think the problem was more with me not listening back. Here's the picture anyway.......

There seems so so much to do. I have my academic work to continue with; currently John's Gospel, as well as the 'practical' stuff; writing up sermon reflections and trying to find a funeral to go to to complete another part of the module and fitting a study day in somewhere. A lot of juggling, but I'm not in any worse position than anyone else on the course.

And fast forward.....less than 6 months. Processing up what is, apparently, one of the longest Naves in Europe! I know God will carry me through to that point. I just need to ensure that I try to listen and continue to talking to Him. All shall be well. It won't necessarily be easy. I'm not expecting an easy ride. No. I just pray that my heart is open to hear what He says to me and to respond accordingly. To be brave. To take courage in my hands knowing he is with me. And to Hope. Life, surely, is all about hope. Hope is in the Christ child, Hope in the Death and Resurrection of Christ and the life that he blesses me with.

And to finish...this from Brother Roger.....

'Gather everything that happens, trivialities included, with reservation, regret or nostalgia, in inexhaustible wonder. Set out, going forward one step at a time, from doubt towards faith, not worrying about the impossible ahead. Light fire, even with the thorns that tear you.

New Year

It's been ages since I've blogged. Many reasons, but the main one is that I've been just so busy and trying to keep up with study, work, family etc etc. My challenges are no greater than anyone else's, but the blogging had to give and whilst there is still a lot I have to say, much can't be said in the public domain and so have been reserved for family and close friends only.

And so here I am. Exactly 6 months away from ordination. 3rd July 2011. Winchester Cathedral. 10.00am. In my own personal journey I've waited many years for this time to come. Huge ups and downs to bring me to this point in time. And right now, there is a mix of emotions; in one sense wanting the time to come as soon as possible and in the other for it not to come. I'm trying not to look back too much at 2010 as there seemed to have been so much crammed into it, yet at the same time it seemed to fly by.

In all of this, I have learnt so much and will, no doubt, continue to do so. I don't really 'do' New Years resolutions, but I am going to try to pray more and find more time for God in the busy-ness of my days. My emotions are out there; I hold back less these days and so suspect the next 6 months will be even more of an emotional rollercoaster. Through this all, both now and in the past and in the future, I hang on to the oh so simple words of Julian of Norwich; 'All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well'.

Although I will say that throughout the last year I've been sustained and kept sane by family and close friends and I thank and praise God for them - you know who you are!

Blogging again

I've just got back from Easter School. Remarkably, this is my second of three and it seems that my Ordination date edges ever closer, despite being over a year away. There were a number of elements that make Easter School a very special place to be; Theology, Spirituality and Sociality (is there such a word?). It is clear that the STETS staff spend a lot of time and thought in preparing each and every school and therefore I feel a duty to make the most of it from a learning perspective.

I stand in awe of academics and always have. My tough time at school and departure at 16 for the working life did nothing to aid my academic ability. I'm not a 'high performer' from an academic standpoint and at the moment, whilst juggling work and study, am happy for marks anywhere above the 50% mark. I would love to be able to aim higher, but there has to be a time, work, life, family balance - and I do remind myself that study doesn't come easily or naturally to me. However, I often find the subject matter fascinating and I've learnt so much in my time on STETS. I am also proving to myself that I'm no thicky!

There are, however, still lectures where I sit back and listen and the content appears to come toward me and pass over like a vapour; what on earth did that mean, or was about? Then there are the questions asked of the lecturer at the end from students - where did they get questions like those, clearly grasping the contents of the lecture, they can dissect the pieces and then ask a suitably academic question. I feel very humble and at times unworthy in those situations.

Spiritually, Easter School is a bit of a funny place to be. On site, being held at a school, there is not a separate chapel - it's in the main hall where one end is a stage and the other, in a recess, an altar and chapel area. The seats are hard and uncomfortable and the floor's certainly one that you wouldn't want to kneel on. We grab worship within the programme in 15/20 minute moments, put together lovingly by the second-year group. Each says something about the small group that put it together. This is then followed by a bible study.....I'm not sure how I felt spiritually after the week, although the final act of worship, presided over by the wonderful Philip Seddon was a moment of emotional high but also sadness as we all then went our separate ways.

Finally, the social side of Easter School for me was an immense high. The weekends at Sarum are great in themselves for the social element but somewhat limited. This Easter School, though, we have had 18 months getting to know each other already and so the friendships developed further. I think we are getting to the stage now where we are developing circles of friends who we see as being there in our future ministries - certainly it is that way for me. I'm not deliberately missing people out, but STETS is a wonderfully diverse group of individuals and as a result I won't get on with everyone and there will be those who don't get on with me; that has to be an accepted part of my three years study. However, there are those who I have come to know and I feel now know me well. It's not a great number, but those are the people I will turn to to share my inner most thoughts and feelings both now and in the future; and I am sure I will need it. The week was a wonderful experience socially. Yes, I drank too much and yes, I was in bed far too late (every night), but throughout the week I laughed more than I have done in the past 18months and was able to fully relax and be myself and found new friendships being shaped.

The difficulty coming home from the week is bonding once again with the family. They’ve not experienced the week and all its ups and downs. Nikki, my wife, has been away with the children to my parents but has not had the same experience as me. How do I convey the week to the family without boring them to tears? I think that is a process that doesn't actually take place in the immediacy of returning but over the course of the next few weeks.......

But of course, I haven't returned to normality, I have my placement to think about and viewing first hand the work of the church in community. More to follow.

Reflections on almost a year at STETS

I haven't blogged for a little while - a flurry of activity when I first started and then.....nothing. I had this in draft, so I've decided I better finish it off!

As mentioned in my previous post, I've just finished the last weekend of the academic year on my training course for the Anglican Ministry. I thought I would drop some thoughts here as well as some achievements (achievements in my view only, of course!).


This time last year I had just had a 'recommendation' for training from my Bishop to train for three years at Salisbury, part-time and, all being well, to be ordained as a 'self supporting' or 'non-stipendiary' Minister in June 2011. I had also (rather crucially) been offered a place on STETS starting in September 2008.


The course, in my view very well structured, consists of 6 residential weekends and an Easter School a year, 6 academic modules each lasting 7 weeks and concluding with an assignment, three study days per annum and what I would call a 'pastoral' module that runs above this that involves me preaching, observing my congregation, undertaking listening exercises, etc. This work should take about 16 hours of my time in study per week.


I was going to say that I was a fresh-faced student last September; but I would be lying. I'm almost 40 so there's nothing fresh-faced about me. Maybe slightly weathered would be a better expression - although some may disagree and just say knackered! Anyway, in September 2008 I commenced my course, a Diploma in Theology in Christian Ministry and Mission. It was daunting to say the least. Along with 33 or so other ordinands we all turned up to our first weekend in September for 'Orientation'. We were let in gently.....just before the hard work begun!


For me, it didn't get off to a great start! I rather threw myself in; studying evenings, and both days of the weekend. After about three weeks, Nikki (my wife) sat me down and told me essentially that something had to give and we (I) needed to find a way to do the required hours, but not so that she or my sons didn't see me. We agreed that I would study on Sundays but Saturdays were out; these would be family days. This works very well now. I read on the train for a couple of hours each day, do some study at home in the evenings and spend hours in the study on a Sunday. By doing that I can get the work done. Some modules are 'easier' than others, though!


I didn't think it would be any different, but I am enjoying it. I have a great group of fellow students, a very supportive &Co group (a small group of students brought together to support each other and share the work of worship, duties etc at weekends), a great Training Minister (my Incumbent) and very patient tutor! I seem to be keeping up and have had OK marks for three assignments. I would love to do more work on my assignments but I would then have to find some more hours!

Now finishing this, I've just had my first year's assessment and am trying to write my final assignment of the year - this blog is delaying that as I don't have any inspiration for it! Bu as I look back over the year I have been so blessed. Everyone, from my family, home parish, fellow students, tutor and staff have been hugely supportive. I am counting down to my ordination - 100 weeks from this coming Saturday (and that's 12 assignments, 12 residential weekends and two Easter Schools)! But I can't wait.......to be let loose into the community! But also all the learning along the way, both in the next two years but also in the years of my ministry. And to truly discover where God will take me.....who knows where?

I'm going to be posting again tonight, but don't want to get too many subjects mixed into one!