Reflect; forward and back.....

Apologies in advance. This might be quite a ramble, but I had the urge to do a bit of reflecting, both on the last year and also what is to come.

There's still a lot of stuff that I can't put into print just yet, but looking back on 2010 and what a year that was. Completed my second year of Theological studies at STETS and started my third and final one. I reckon that there were 7 residential weekends and an Easter School in that time. It was a time of maturing for me in many ways, clarifying where I think God is taking me and also feeling more comfortable (if that's the right word) that this calling is for real. I got a decent Interim Report - and it didn't contain a 'but'.

There were tears along the way (and they probably won't stop). My emotions became more 'out there'. It's not that I wasn't ever an emotional person, but I became more comfortable in expressing them; both in tears and laughter. In addition to all of this there was the cementing and grounding of some wonderful friendships within STETS that I am sure will stay in place and develop over the next months, years and decades and between us will be a support network that I am sure we will all need in the times to come.

My horizons continue to be broadened in terms of my experiences with Church. Over the course of 2010 I experienced the familiar in Anglo-Catholic worship, but also a very good share of Evangelical worship and felt that I connected with God across the spectrum of worship that I experienced. I don't want to be confined to any boxes either in my future ministry but in general. What's important to me is ensuring and enabling us all to be able to connect with God. I struggle with those who refuse point blank to even contemplate experiencing differing styles or traditions of worship.

Over the course of the year I have gradually acquired various items of clerical wear and even tried on and ordered my clerical shirts (black, of course). And I have my mother and mother-in-law supplying stoles. My Mother-in-Law lovingly made and gave to me for Christmas what will be my ordination stole. It's a work of art and of love. Quite something. I don't think the pictures necessarily do it justice....but here's a flavour.

The end of the year was spent with college friend, Angi and her family. Aside from the wonderful company of Angi, Tim and children, we were able to look forward with a bit of fear and trepidation, but also excitement to 2011 as the clock struck midnight. With the knowledge that we will be being ordained in Winchester Cathedral on July 3rd at 10am. With our families and friends around us as we take the next step..............

Ordination is really THIS YEAR. I am scared. I'm in the throes of ensuring that my Training Minister and Tutor get their (final) report on me done for STETS (I get very twitchy at report time due to past experiences). I'm also back at work and have had a tricky week emotionally. Having signed up to the 365Project where I endeavour to post a picture every day, Wednesday's picture summed up my emotions at the time. Feeling as if I was struggling to get through to God. In my heart I know he's there listening; I think the problem was more with me not listening back. Here's the picture anyway.......

There seems so so much to do. I have my academic work to continue with; currently John's Gospel, as well as the 'practical' stuff; writing up sermon reflections and trying to find a funeral to go to to complete another part of the module and fitting a study day in somewhere. A lot of juggling, but I'm not in any worse position than anyone else on the course.

And fast forward.....less than 6 months. Processing up what is, apparently, one of the longest Naves in Europe! I know God will carry me through to that point. I just need to ensure that I try to listen and continue to talking to Him. All shall be well. It won't necessarily be easy. I'm not expecting an easy ride. No. I just pray that my heart is open to hear what He says to me and to respond accordingly. To be brave. To take courage in my hands knowing he is with me. And to Hope. Life, surely, is all about hope. Hope is in the Christ child, Hope in the Death and Resurrection of Christ and the life that he blesses me with.

And to finish...this from Brother Roger.....

'Gather everything that happens, trivialities included, with reservation, regret or nostalgia, in inexhaustible wonder. Set out, going forward one step at a time, from doubt towards faith, not worrying about the impossible ahead. Light fire, even with the thorns that tear you.

New Year

It's been ages since I've blogged. Many reasons, but the main one is that I've been just so busy and trying to keep up with study, work, family etc etc. My challenges are no greater than anyone else's, but the blogging had to give and whilst there is still a lot I have to say, much can't be said in the public domain and so have been reserved for family and close friends only.

And so here I am. Exactly 6 months away from ordination. 3rd July 2011. Winchester Cathedral. 10.00am. In my own personal journey I've waited many years for this time to come. Huge ups and downs to bring me to this point in time. And right now, there is a mix of emotions; in one sense wanting the time to come as soon as possible and in the other for it not to come. I'm trying not to look back too much at 2010 as there seemed to have been so much crammed into it, yet at the same time it seemed to fly by.

In all of this, I have learnt so much and will, no doubt, continue to do so. I don't really 'do' New Years resolutions, but I am going to try to pray more and find more time for God in the busy-ness of my days. My emotions are out there; I hold back less these days and so suspect the next 6 months will be even more of an emotional rollercoaster. Through this all, both now and in the past and in the future, I hang on to the oh so simple words of Julian of Norwich; 'All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well'.

Although I will say that throughout the last year I've been sustained and kept sane by family and close friends and I thank and praise God for them - you know who you are!

Blogging again

I've just got back from Easter School. Remarkably, this is my second of three and it seems that my Ordination date edges ever closer, despite being over a year away. There were a number of elements that make Easter School a very special place to be; Theology, Spirituality and Sociality (is there such a word?). It is clear that the STETS staff spend a lot of time and thought in preparing each and every school and therefore I feel a duty to make the most of it from a learning perspective.

I stand in awe of academics and always have. My tough time at school and departure at 16 for the working life did nothing to aid my academic ability. I'm not a 'high performer' from an academic standpoint and at the moment, whilst juggling work and study, am happy for marks anywhere above the 50% mark. I would love to be able to aim higher, but there has to be a time, work, life, family balance - and I do remind myself that study doesn't come easily or naturally to me. However, I often find the subject matter fascinating and I've learnt so much in my time on STETS. I am also proving to myself that I'm no thicky!

There are, however, still lectures where I sit back and listen and the content appears to come toward me and pass over like a vapour; what on earth did that mean, or was about? Then there are the questions asked of the lecturer at the end from students - where did they get questions like those, clearly grasping the contents of the lecture, they can dissect the pieces and then ask a suitably academic question. I feel very humble and at times unworthy in those situations.

Spiritually, Easter School is a bit of a funny place to be. On site, being held at a school, there is not a separate chapel - it's in the main hall where one end is a stage and the other, in a recess, an altar and chapel area. The seats are hard and uncomfortable and the floor's certainly one that you wouldn't want to kneel on. We grab worship within the programme in 15/20 minute moments, put together lovingly by the second-year group. Each says something about the small group that put it together. This is then followed by a bible study.....I'm not sure how I felt spiritually after the week, although the final act of worship, presided over by the wonderful Philip Seddon was a moment of emotional high but also sadness as we all then went our separate ways.

Finally, the social side of Easter School for me was an immense high. The weekends at Sarum are great in themselves for the social element but somewhat limited. This Easter School, though, we have had 18 months getting to know each other already and so the friendships developed further. I think we are getting to the stage now where we are developing circles of friends who we see as being there in our future ministries - certainly it is that way for me. I'm not deliberately missing people out, but STETS is a wonderfully diverse group of individuals and as a result I won't get on with everyone and there will be those who don't get on with me; that has to be an accepted part of my three years study. However, there are those who I have come to know and I feel now know me well. It's not a great number, but those are the people I will turn to to share my inner most thoughts and feelings both now and in the future; and I am sure I will need it. The week was a wonderful experience socially. Yes, I drank too much and yes, I was in bed far too late (every night), but throughout the week I laughed more than I have done in the past 18months and was able to fully relax and be myself and found new friendships being shaped.

The difficulty coming home from the week is bonding once again with the family. They’ve not experienced the week and all its ups and downs. Nikki, my wife, has been away with the children to my parents but has not had the same experience as me. How do I convey the week to the family without boring them to tears? I think that is a process that doesn't actually take place in the immediacy of returning but over the course of the next few weeks.......

But of course, I haven't returned to normality, I have my placement to think about and viewing first hand the work of the church in community. More to follow.

Approaching forty!

This weekend I hit forty. I thought it would be a good time to reflect on what my life has been so far!

Well, here I am, with a fantastic family (both close and extended), great home, good job, what I consider to be a strong and developing faith and training to be a self supporting priest.

It's not always been an easy time, but then I would challenge anyone who says their life has (may be there are those people out there). I don't remember huge amounts of my childhood as it was a tough one in respect of my school life and the bullies that didn't make my time at good schools an easy or enjoyable one. No-ones to blame and if I met those same bullies in the street today I would not hold it against them. Children can be very nasty and cruel and they get carried along on the waves of what everyone else is doing. But that's also not to condone it - if one of my children were bullied I would do whatever I could to stop it. Things have changed these days, though - bullying is recognised, I sense, more quickly.

I most definitely don't blame my parents - although I think they still have a sense that they could have done more. They couldn't. Simple as that. I think children are good at putting a brave face on things and hiding various things from their parents - and I am certain I did. I had a fantastic home life and I'm not aware of wanting for anything, although I do know that money wasn't plentiful. I do remember fantastic long family holidays in the summer (although the one in Northumbria wasn't good when it rained most days!).

Not surprisingly I got out of school almost as soon as I could. I wasn't a natural studier anyway. Into Insurance - nobody goes into insurance deliberately and I certainly didn't. But into a family firm working for a bit of a dragon who taught me so much; I grew up and, most importantly, was treated like an adult. That was when my life began.

Not long after that I discovered the Taize Community (see www.taize.fr/en). It changed my life; truly. I spent 18 months there at the age of 18 and it did remarkable things for me. I needed something to try to understand where my life was going. I thought it was going in the direction of the monastic life and the community, but it wasn't. I returned, and in another landmark of my life met Nikki just after my 21st birthday. Not sure whether it was love at first sight, but it wasn't far off! Engaged after 6 weeks and married 2 years later. 17 years ago this summer. We have had our challenges, but nothing serious. A glorious 17 years.

At that time I put myself forward for the ministry. I was 'conditionally recommended'. I had to do what was called the Aston Training Scheme. Whilst the idea of the course was good (to prepare those with little academic qualifications for theological college), those involved on the staff side lacked any pastoral skills and thought that, despite most students having full time jobs, Aston was the only thing in life that mattered. It was a tough 2 years of my (and Nikki's) life; and at the end to be non-recommended for training was a huge blow (to be told via letter as well wasn't particularly sensitive pastorally either). Anyway, life went on and we were expecting our first child.

Christopher was born in the September. Fit and healthy and he has continued to be - there have been the usual hospital trips for broken leg etc., but he's growing up to be a wonderful son. I'm not entirely sure where he gets his amazing intelligence from, though!

Life went on, I got a new job 10 years ago and have had various roles with my current firm, in recent years on the management side and it gives me a great deal of fulfillment. I also managed to obtain a post-graduate diploma in marketing management so proved to myself that I can do academia! Ever since I have been fascinated in sales and marketing.

Nikki and I managed, though not easily, to have two more boys to complete the family (together with a neurotic cat).

Anyway, a few years ago I sensed that my life in the church wasn't 'done'. I was being called to something. I was afraid after what Nikki and I had been through at the hands of Aston. I explored this through weeks in silent retreat in Taize. Through the last visit and at the guidance of my spiritual guide, Brother Thomas, I had to test the call again and started the 'discernment' process. I had a wonderful Director of Ordinands and went to a Bishops Advisory Panel last May and was recommended for training. A year later I am finishing my first year and had a thoroughly fulfilling 9 months of study and fellowship and look forward for more.

So, a snapshot of 40 years. A party will be had this weekend. Unfortunately a few dear people won't be there. My maternal grandfather, who died when I was 2 or 3 but for whom I, strangely, I guess have a great affection (a priest) and my grandmother who died when I was seven and whom I remember again with great affection - more clearly though. I will also be missing my Uncle and Aunt as my Aunt is having an op next week. Despite these absences, it is a great opportunity to have my wonderful family around me and drink a few glasses of wine.

On Sunday I have the privilege of leading worship at church. I shall look forward to that immensely. And look forward 2 years to when I will be an ordained minister. Time I am sure will whizz by, but just now it still seems like a while away. And I certainly don't feel 40. Life is good and I thank God daily for that and rejoice in everything he has blessed me with.