Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Holiday Blues

I haven't blogged for a while and that's because I haven't really had much to say. Not publicly, anyway. And I sort of don't have a huge amount to say now. I'm on holiday in Dorset with the family and my in-laws. This should ordinarily be a great holiday, a nice one week's break, food; literally on a plate and the children with lots of things to entertain themselves.

However. I'm tired. Worn out. Both physically and emotionally. I need more than a week off. This time last year we were in our first week of three. The sun was shining in Dorset and we then had two weeks in a very hot South of France. This year, due to my placement taking up a month of my holiday, I have precious little left and so it's being used sparingly.

As I finish my second year at STETS, I think I'm not alone. My largest piece of work, my placement report, is the culmination of three or so weeks full time placement, a lot of reflection (and also naval gazing as well as procrastination) and then a concentrated period of trying to get my thoughts and observations adequately on paper. It's done, submitted and in - there is nothing I can do now other than hope that the marker is kind to me. How does one put, adequately, into 5000 words what I have experienced almost 24 hours a day for 3 weeks? Living and breathing parish life, full time? I don't know that I have done it justice.

And so to today. Sat in this no-man's land between year two and three of college. Time off from work. A short time off from my everyday job, but at the same time staying in touch through my Blackberry. I know I should switch off from this, but I just can't. Simple as that. I would be hell if I had to.

I've already printed off and looked at the first module for the next academic year. Studied the calender, looked at the weekends away. The clock is on the downward slope. 5 academic modules, 5 assignments, three mini-placements, three sermons, an assignment, 6 weekends and one Easter School. All this then leads to Ordination. Ordination in less than a year's time. In fact in just over 10 month's time. The reality is biting big time. I am constantly reflecting as to what ordained life will mean. I have waited so long for it. The call is on the verge of becoming a reality. And whilst this will be just the start. I stand back and look to the future. The future scares me. Is that a bad thing? Should I only live for today? So many questions, with so few immediate answers.

Back to August 2010. It doesn't matter if I am ready or not. I believe that God has called me. He is ready for me. I owe it to him, to my family, to the church, to all those who have, in the past and are now supporting me, to do my best. To fulfil that vocation. To answer it and to pursue where I think God is taking me. I must do this to the best of my ability and know, that in my heart of hearts, God will feed my heart and soul, guide and direct me through and lead me into the future as long as I trust in him. And trust I do.

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