This week I've been collating and getting ready to send off the final report from my Tutor and Training Minister. It's a combined effort from them and follows not that far behind (it seems) my Interim Report, although in reality it was probably about this time last year that they wrote their pieces for that report! With this I also have to submit my own self assessment, commenting on their Final Report and the report from my Placement Supervisor.
I find the whole assessment process painful. It's a struggle. This is due to a very bad experience I had about 15 or so years ago when I was reported on as part of a course. The reporting was very secretive and the results of the final report came out of the blue and as a result prevented me from going on to further studies. The scars still have not healed and once in a while the wound opens causing more pain.
The reporting for STETS is a completely different kettle of fish. It is open, and it's a collaborative process with me being a part of it all of the way. And all those involved are willing and wanting me to succeed. But that doesn't stop the worry or the anxiety. The reports from my PLacement Supervisor and Tutor/Training Minister are good, and there's really not much I feel I can comment on; I find it very difficult reflecting on the complimentary comments!
During the process I pray. And reflect. And part of that process is (no surprise to anyone) listening and enveloping myself in music. One of the pieces that is on the playlist for my more meditative moods is a piece that I first heard during a Mass last October (Portsmouth Diocese 24 Hours or Worship) that was celebrated by the Bishop and organised by Blessed (www.blessed.org.uk). It is John Tavener's 'Prayer of the Heart' sung by the unique voice of Bjork. A very haunting peace, but one that I can close my eyes to, relax, breath in time with the rhythm and allow myself to meditate. It also lasts a decent length of time. Here it is:
I'm at the first stage of my final report that leads towards my ordination. It begins a process that in reality ends with my ordination in July (although the assessment/reporting process continues after that!). I suspect this piece of music will be played many times before then!